“[People] have become so indoctrinated with the idea that having money is important, that they no longer question why. They are unaware that perhaps what they are truly seeking is an increase in self — respect, or security, or freedom, or love, or power.”*
I love this quote. I love it because it hits right at the heart of the work that I do, and it’s exactly why so many of the people I meet struggle with money. This one single idea can bring about the most profound awareness that anyone can have in regards to the interior aspect of their finances.
Are you using money to fill your empty spaces?
Sometimes we feel that we are fundamentally flawed or broken. I talk more about this here. Of course, no one wants to be broken, so we go around looking for a fix. Something to cure us. Something to make us better. Of course, as our rationale goes, we are the broken ones, so that fix can’t possibly come from within us, and we go on looking for it elsewhere. We try to use other things, from other places, to fill the empty spaces caused by the brokenness. Sometimes, the thing we turn to is money.
Hurting people use money to hurt less.
Sad people use money to feel less sad.
People who feel powerless use money for control.
People who are lonely use money to feel acceptance.
Those who feel bound see money as a means to freedom.
I’m not saying every hurt, sad, or lonely person turns to money in these ways. But, if you constantly struggle with your money, maybe you do.
Let’s talk about an amazing woman, whom we’ll call Nikki.
Nikki is an outgoing, wildly friendly, fun loving, spectacular kind of girl. I absolutely love her! When I first began working with Nikki it was because her debt was out of control and she had no idea how to handle her finances. She’d tried and tried in the past but, really, she saw no good reason to become or stay debt free. Most troubling for Nikki was her spending addiction. Oh how Nikki loved to spend! She loved to spend on gifts, and food, and trips, and concerts, and anything else that satisfied her whim.
You see, there was a space in Nikki that needed to be filled. This space had been put there long ago as a child. Not knowing how to fill this space, Nikki turned to addictive behaviors. First drugs. Then shopping. These behaviors filled that space and gave her the feelings of control and freedom that she’d longed for since childhood. But, of course, this fix was only temporary. Once those feelings began to wear off Nikki would again feel terrible about herself and her actions. The space would be empty and once more she would search out ways in which her spending could fill it.
At one point in our conversations Nikki confided in me, “I’m scared to overcome this spending addiction, because there is no telling what addiction will fill the space that is left behind.”
What Nikki didn’t understand at the time was the proper way to fill that empty space. She certainly didn’t realize that she already had what she was looking for. If she could only find what she needed within herself, the space would not just be filled, but it would, eventually, be made permanently whole. There would be no need for another addictive behavior to come and fill it at all.
Another favorite saying of mine comes from the therapy world. It says,
“You have what you need and together we’ll find it.”
I TRULY and COMPLETELY believe that you are not permanently broken.
I understand that life experiences might bruise us. They can batter us and beat us down. A lifetime of hurt and disappointment can make us feel small, unheard, unloved, or unworthy. Worst of all it can give us the idea that we are nothing, worthless. These feelings create empty spaces within us. Spaces that long to be made whole so we can once again feel complete.
We see this every day in the world around us. People have forgotten their worth. People have lost the idea that there is a divinity within them. Something that is so unique, so magnificent, so celestial that it can never, ever be diminished. It’s in there. It just needs to be found.
The completeness you are searching for doesn’t come from money. It is already within you. It is already there. YOU have the answers you need. YOU know how to fill that space, and YOU know how to do it in a way that is healthy, and fulfilling, and perfect for you.
You just have to find it…
I’m here to help.
P.S. Nikki is doing great! She is a money warrior and she has no fear when it comes to her finances. She’s conquered her debt and continues to make financial decisions that make sense for her and her family. Of course, she still loves to spend, but now she thinks about it and she is able to do it in a careful, thoughtful sort of way. It’s been (and still is) a process for her, but I love to see her confidence and excitement grow as she tells me the new ways in which she’s working towards mastering her money. Like I said, she’s a spectacular kind of girl!
*Money Madness: The Psychology of Saving, Spending, Loving, and Hating Money
By Herb Goldberg, Robert T. Lewis
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